Double Blessed (and double stressed)

Oops! I can't believe so much time has passed since I've posted anything.

Mackenzie is two and a half months old now and doing great. She is still itty bitty, but is growing and starting to fill out so adorably. At her two month check up she grew 4 inches and weighed 9 lbs 7 oz. Her little tummy has definitely plumped up and she is beginning to get a little bit of baby fat on her thighs! I love it. She is showing more personality everyday and constantly makes us laugh. Waking up after a long nights sleep and evening bath time are her most favorite parts of the day. She is all smiles then! We're currently working on nap sleep training and sleep associations because even though she'll fall fast asleep in our laps the moment she gets moved to her bed she wakes up crying even though she is clearly exhausted. I'd love to hold her and cuddle her all day long while she naps but unfortunately that just isn't possible. It's obvious that she is much happier on days when she gets some nap time in as opposed to those when she fights sleep and turns super cranky. It's even more important to teach her how to nap on her own because… baby number two is on the way! When Mackenzie was born I was actually 11 weeks pregnant. There was so much going on at the time that we wanted to wait until after her birth to announce the news publicly. We also didn't want to take away any excitement from Mackenzie's homecoming. Now everyone knows the news, I was just being a slacker with blogging. Well, that and I also kind of didn't know what to write.

I've actually struggled for months with my thoughts and feelings on being pregnant. I've had some great highs, like feeling the baby kick, seeing the bean on the ultrasound for the first time, and thinking about how amazing it will be to have two kids that can grow up together as best friends. I've also had some extremely tough times, though. I was sick everyday for the entire first trimester, with the worst of my pregnancy sickness kicking in the very week that Mackenzie was born and we got to bring her home. I struggled a lot when we first discovered the news. I was really upset because for years we had tried to conceive and I never once got a positive test. I used to cry each time I received a negative pregnancy test and I knew that once I finally saw a positive test that I would cry then, too. They would be tears of joy for once, though. However, that wasn't how it happened. On Friday the 13th in September (I remember the date because, you know, it figures) I was sitting on the couch watching TV and just randomly started feeling a little nauseous. We had stopped trying to conceive after our last failed IUI months prior but for whatever reason I decided to use my last home pregnancy test. Maybe it's because it was just taking up room in the bathroom cabinet or maybe some intuition took over, I honestly have no idea why I decided to take a test but I did. Within just a few seconds two super dark lines appeared in the results window. I was in the middle of replacing the toilet paper roll when I glanced down and saw the lines appear. I remember literally dropping what I was doing and zombie walking straight into the office where Allen was working on the computer. I just busted the door open and held out the test to him. We were both in total shock. He laughed out of pure bewilderment. And... I cried. I couldn't believe that after all that time (and money) now was when I got my positive. We already had our baby on the way. Adopting Mackenzie was on our hearts and minds everyday and we were so excited and looking forward to her birth. We had been trying for two years to have a baby. A. As in, one baby. I suddenly felt completely overwhelmed and unequipped for the road ahead. After rushing out to the store to buy more tests to confirm (all unmistakably positive) I remember crying myself to sleep that night. Why couldn't I have any kind of normal path to mommy hood? Why did we have to go through all of those crappy fertility tests and medications if I was going to go on to get pregnant naturally? Why did this happen after we already decided on adopting? What are people going to think? How are we going to manage two babies only six months apart? We were already committed to Mackenzie and the thought of backing out of her adoption never crossed our minds. We were already in love with her and nothing was going to change that. I was upset that I couldn't enjoy (or at least manage) one baby experience at a time. I know getting pregnant after adopting has happened to people before but I didn't even get that. We got pregnant at the same time as adopting. I felt jipped. Instead of making the hubs run out at 3AM for an ice cream craving we were sleep deprived and figuring out middle of the night feedings. Instead of being pampered with foot massages or back rubs I just appreciated when I got some extra sleep. And a perk of adopting, instead of walking around with a newborn and absolutely no baby bump leftover afterwards I had a newborn plus an actual baby bump. I was being spit up on and throwing up my dinner all at the same time. 

Thankfully over time I did a lot of thinking and gained a bit of perspective on the situation. As I was very familiar, lots of couples struggle to have baby for much longer than we did. I realized that many of them would probably switch places with us in a heartbeat if they could. When we decided on adoption we heard the ever dreaded "once you adopt then you'll get pregnant" many times and just laughed it off telling them that at least two babies are better than no babies, of course never thinking that it was actually a possibility. After all, we were diagnosed with "unexplained infertility". If tons of medicines and fancy procedures didn't work for us then why would we possibly think that it would happen naturally just a few months later? We went on to assume that when it came time to think about a second baby we would have to revisit IUIs. We even acknowledged the possibility that we may never conceive and Mackenzie could actually be an only child. Fortunately that isn't the case anymore. We've been double blessed. Double blessed and double stressed! I only hope that we can manage to survive 2014. Babies can be difficult and two so close in age will no doubtably be a challenge. Whenever I start to panic I have to remind myself that people have twins or even triplets all the time and they manage to survive just fine. Maybe it's the pregnancy hormones but even still, when Mackenzie is inconsolably fussy or screaming in my ear because she is so overtired I can't help but feel like I am probably going to go totally crazy. I felt guilty for a long time because I was more stressed out than excited for this pregnancy but I'm glad to be feeling better about things now. The further along this pregnancy gets the more exciting it is. Learning the gender tomorrow and beginning to decorate another nursery is exciting. Like we said when we first found out, if the worst of our troubles is that we have two babies so close together then we're doing pretty good. I've even accepted the fact that I will probably never leave the house ever again! I haven't even mastered taking Mackenzie out yet so I have no idea how managing two infants supposed to work. Like everything else, we'll figure it out and before no time it'll begin to feel natural. We're finally in the groove with Mackenzie and have successfully passed the six week survival period. Allen even commented recently that things are beginning to feel easier (easier, not to be confused with actually being easy) than when she was a newborn and that her adorable smiles make it that much more rewarding.

It's kind of humorous, actually. I really have to laugh at our situation sometimes. I was getting blood drawn at the doctor's office recently and the nurse asked if this was my first pregnancy. I said yes, but not my first baby. She just looked at me with a blank expression until I explained. Another time Allen and I were at one of Mackenzie's pediatrician checkups and we were discussing the fact that she has to get one of her ears re-tested. Before we told her that she was adopted the doctor asked us if we had any type of hearing loss in our family and Allen starts pondering his own family medical history. That type of thing seems to happen fairly often and generally doesn't bother me. It's usually comical. At Target the other day I could feel the checkout girl eyeing little Mackenzie and then checking out my bump. I wanted to shout that no, this isn't just post baby weight! At least not yet, lol. But yes, I try not to let the weird encounters like that bug me. That is until they say something stupid. Like how it's nice that we get to experience adoption as well as "having our own". Those words make me cringe. I know I've ranted about that before but it's incredibly annoying to hear. All of our children will be "our own" and they will be raised and treated like such. Just because we had one baby by adoption and one by pregnancy doesn't mean anything should be different. I've read that a lot of families with some adopted and some biological children hardly even remember which ones we're adopted and which weren't. They are all the same to them. I can already see that, too. Most days it doesn't even feel like Mackenzie isn't biological. She is just our little girl. Everyone is incredibly excited and supportive of us but I did get my first Instagram hater the other day. It was just some random nobody who thought it was necessary to track down my page and comment on a picture of Mackenzie and I. It was pretty upsetting to me but I feel like I dealt with it gracefully. And by gracefully I mean I deleted her rude comment, private messaged her a picture flipping her off, and then blocked her page.

The timing of this surprise pregnancy is actually rather fitting. Around the time we found out the news our church was doing a message series called Multiply. The notes said "sometimes it's good if things don't add up. When God is in the equation, we can end up with way more than we expected. Learn what can happen in our lives when we shift our thinking and start to Multiply." Apparently this wasn't talking about children but I still thought it was ironic. Even more ironic, one of the messages discussed how in order to multiply it must be blessed first. They were talking about tithing, but again it felt more personal. I got to thinking about my recent baptism. I couldn't remember when that happened so I started going back through my calendar. As it turns out, I was baptized on August 4th and we got pregnant at the very next opportunity. Just like they said, in order to multiply it must be blessed!

Currently I am almost 22 weeks and we're excited to find out the gender this weekend. The ultrasound was a few days ago but we're just waiting to open the results on Saturday. Seeing how big the little bean has grown was incredible and everything at the appointment went well so that was a relief. The tech spent a lot of time with us and she did an amazing job of pointing out all the awesome details for us to see. It was a great experience! Just a few months ago we were watching Mackenzie's ultrasound, only that time I was in the spectator chair. It was certainly interesting to be the one on the table with the warm gel on my stomach. I did get a call from the doctor afterwards though and apparently I have a low lying placenta and will need a follow up ultrasound in six weeks to make sure that it has moved up correctly. Until then I'm on "restriction" which means no lifting anything over 20 lbs, no exercising (no issue here, heh) or strenuous activity, and no sexy time. I did a little bit of research on the topic but it sounds like we'll just have to wait and see what it looks like at the next appointment to see if it's going to be a problem or not. Hopefully everything will turn out just fine.


A few quick notes about pregnancy so far...

Feeling the bean move is an amazing feeling. I started to feel it around 18 weeks and since then it's gotten stronger and more frequent. When Mackenzie is laying on my legs with her feet on my stomach the babies like to have a kicking war. This is the easiest way to feed her right now but pretty soon there won't be enough room. Speaking of feeding, formula feeding her has absolutely spoiled me.

Everyone says that my bump is tiny but I feel so full and fluffy. It's so round that I can't sleep (in my favorite sleeping position) on my stomach anymore.

Maternity jeans are fantastic. All pants should have a stretchy belly. I haven't actually even worn maternity clothes yet, this weekend will probably be the first time. My regular jeans are too snug to feel comfortable so I've been wearing leggings out and Victoria's Secret boyfriend pants at home.

I've never had a food craving this strong. I NEED FUNNEL CAKE. It's essential for my survival. I've been looking up recipes and even though I despise cooking I plan to make an attempt.

And labor still absolutely terrifies me.

Anyway, that's all for now. 

Love love.

Heather