Before my Dad was diagnosed with "the C word" I wasn't sensitive to hearing it. Until something cuts deep inside your heart you just have absolutely no idea. I had heard things about cancer but I never actually understood it. I didn't know anyone that was sick so it just never touched my life that way. It wasn't that I was apathetic, I just couldn't understand it because it hadn't affected me personally. When everything came crashing down a few years ago I understood, though. When I heard "the C word" I immediately stiffened up. I cringed. I could feel my lower lip quiver. I became fragile and emotional and a complete wreck because I just got it. Those last few days and weeks were the most traumatic and difficult experience I've ever had to go through. Unless you've walked those same shoes you can sympathize, but really, you still have no idea.
To a somewhat lesser degree I feel the same way right now. I hear negative adoption lingo (and infertility, but that's another rant) and bite my tongue. I never would have thought about it before but here I am and this is a huge part of my life now. I've become sensitive to the subject and yet people all around me seem completely clueless. And really, it's not their fault. They aren't in the same boat as we are so they just don't think about it. Time after time I hear the words "your own" or "our own" when referring to biological children. Like for example, the salesman at Mathis Brothers telling us about how his wife is diabetic and was considered high risk for pregnancy. They had considered adoption but ultimately they "were able to have their own". What does this even mean? Because a child is adopted they aren't yours? Do you treat them differently? Do you not love them as much? When someone asks how many kids you have do you answer with "well we don't have any of our own but we adopted two"? No, of course not. Because that is ridiculous.
The same goes for the other side of this equation. I absolutely love the birth mother and thanks to social media we get to see even more into each others lives. Sometimes I'll come across comments on her pages about the adoption asking if she is "giving away her baby" or something equally as cringe worthy. I soo want to respond and clarify that it's actually called "placing the baby with adoptive parents". It is not a negative, it's a positive. And it's the most selfless and loving thing a young mother could do for a baby. It's not giving up the baby never to be seen again. Our adoption will be open and little Mackenzie will know her birth mother. When I see these commenters giving her a hard time it breaks my heart. So, again, unless you're directly involved in our situation you just don't get it. I like to surround myself with positivity. So, I feel the need to say this again... thank you, thank you, thank you! I absolutely love all of the uplifting comments that we've received.
While I don't fully understand why God picked us to get involved in adoption I can confidently say that I'm in a very happy place now. I'm nesting and planning and shopping and prepping. I'm painting and decorating and loving every minute of it! I have a countdown on my phone that I check daily. I will be totally honest, though. Every so often I do get a little down because I don't get to carry my baby. I don't get my own ultrasound. I don't know what little baby kicks feel like. I don't get to see what a little Heather/Allen weebee looks like. I don't even get to park in the damn "Expectant Mothers Only" reserved parking spot at Babies R Us (although Allen argued that I am an expectant mother and have earned that parking place too, we opted to leave it open so that someone else can park there). The gift bag for starting our baby registry came with a bunch of neat things. Coupons, pacifiers, infant safety tips, and... nursing pads. Little things like that remind me that my path to mommy-hood is a little bit different.
Whenever things get tough I like to remember this quote from my beloved Winnie the Pooh.
And you know what? When I kick back with my iPad in one hand and a cool glass of wine in the other while I surf the Target Baby website I have a great big smile on my face. Sure, life doesn't always turn out as planned. But what can you do? You can either mope around and be depressed (which I did my fair share of during our treatment for infertility) or you can embrace another path. We're on this road because we can handle it. We're strong and confident and excited for the future. And really, when I think about it this actually works out better. I get to skip all of the hard stuff. Breastfeeding never sounded appealing and going through labor just sounds like a nightmare. Even though our journey to parenthood didn't go as planned I've put my trust in God and His timing and we're thankful beyond words. Between the amazing birth mother and her family, our loving family
and support, and everyone and everything else involved along the way I couldn't
have asked for a better situation.
Tomorrow I'm getting together with the family to start the baby shower planning! Allen and I will finish up the registry at Babies R Us soon, too. We've also already picked an adoption attorney and have gotten started with all of that. The next step is the ever dreaded home study. I don't know what to expect but I'm hoping to make it through as painlessly as possible.
Thanks again!
Love love.
Heather
