The Double Digit Dance

Wahoo! We're officially in the 3rd trimester. I can't believe that we'll be parents before the holidays this year. I'm so excited I can hardly contain myself! Our home is quickly filling up with baby clothes and tiny shoes and of course a lot of pink. Every evening I like to wander into the nursery-in-progress, open the double closet doors, and just stare at what's inside. Even though the rest of the room isn't put together and ready to go yet Mackenzie's closet is nearly stuffed full with adorable little outfits, baby blankets, and all kinds of lovely things that give me warm fuzzy feelings.

It's truly amazing. As soon as I was willing to let go of all control and trust in whatever was meant to happen a refreshing calmness took over. I can't even put the words together to explain how satisfying it is to have moved past infertility struggles and have such a wonderful and perfectly timed blessing to look forward to. The daily charting and testing and living life by my hormones schedule has been gone for months now and I feel normal again. I'm so at peace and confident with our decisions. Along those same lines, I was finally baptized at our church a few weeks ago. It was something that I've been thinking about doing for years but just hadn't been ready until recently. I felt that same calmness afterwards, like a million weights have been lifted off of my shoulders. Even though things are changing quickly for our little family I feel so refreshed, so calm, and so happy for the journey ahead.

With adoption it requires you to let go of control. For a super planner like myself that can be a hard concept to grasp. Baby Mackenzie isn't with me right now, she is growing with her other mother. Sometimes I get asked if I feel less connected emotionally since I'm not carrying the baby. My answer is of course, but not by choice. That's just natural. Obviously there is a instinctive bond between any birth-mommy and baby that I just don't have yet and I have to respect that. I'm more than happy that the birth mother gets to cherish these 9 months. I know that my time to step in will come. Until then though, I relinquish control and continue to trust. I feel like we have a great relationship with the birth family so it's that much easier for me to rest assured. I'll admit I still have to stop myself from sending those obsessive texts "are you getting enough rest?" "drive save!" and "don't carry heavy things!" though. Adoption requires such a high level of faith that really all you can do is sit back and trust what happens. I literally have my entire heart in someone else's hands. Or belly, I should say. And the same goes for the birth mommy, too. Her heart will be in our hands. It's really a beautiful thing to have one wiggly little jellybean bring so many people together. I just hope that I'm doing a good job of being respectful and (somewhat) patient until baby gets here!

So anyway, slowly but surely we're marching onward. The fingerprinting process was completed a few weeks ago. I expected to show up at some dark police station and get inked like a criminal by a mean cop in a cold interrogation room. Well, maybe it didn't have to be a cold room but still something like that. It turns out that we just had to stop by the sheriff's office inside the mall. It's (kind of) all digital now so there wasn't even any ink required. They just press and roll your fingerprint into this machine electronically. Apparently it didn't like my prints very much because I had to try several times for it to actually read. While mine took a good 15 minutes of the machine frantically beeping at me to re-try every single finger, Allen's was done in less than 5 minutes. So, since it was all scanned into this machine I'm thinking that's cool because they must just "click" and send everything automatically. Apparently not, though. They still print the prints (print the prints...ha) for us to mail in manually. Either way, it's done! We're in the system now. No bank hold-ups here. Ha, we had a good laugh about that. And by laugh I mean a silly sarcastic conversation that would probably freak out strangers if overheard.

Our home study is this weekend and even though I'm already running around like a crazy person making sure everything is perfect for the social worker I actually don't think it's that intense. Even still though, I know I'll be dusting the baseboards, scrubbing the tile, and sweeping the porch obsessively until it's over. Completing the home study will be a major step forward and aside from the rights termination it's probably the most important and involved step in adoptions.

I'm also nesting like crazy. I cut back from work a little bit so that I can spend more time preparing for baby. I consider our home really tidy and neat, but it's amazing how much disorganization you can encounter when you have to empty out an entire bedroom and closet and make space for those things elsewhere. We're making major progress, though, and the only thing left to do is have our new desk delivered and then move on to the baby room! I'm in the process of picking the nursery paint color right now. After trying half a dozen different pink samples I think I've decided to go with a beige instead. I bought some glitter additive to add to the paint to give it an awesome shimmer, too. I figure pink and sparkly would just be too much. I'm trying not to give my husband a heart attack from girliness overload here.

Along with nesting comes the ever dreaded... cooking. If I'm going to become a stay at home mommy I have got to learn how to throw a meal together. I don't like recipes that don't show a picture of the meal so Pinterest has been pretty awesome at helping. I also have a cookbook (with pictures) from the fam that has been helpful. "30 Minute Meals" or something. I'm pleased to announce that I've made a few "real" dinners now and that all but one has turned out well. Last night grilled chicken was attempted and failed, though. The entire house filled with thick smoke from the oil and Allen had to make a dash to Target to grab some precooked chicken for the main entree. Other than that it's going well, though. I just wish I had a passion for cooking like some people do. I despise it. It's not enjoyable, it's messy, and it takes too long. I never know how to sync everything so that it's all done around the same time. Or, what if you need two things in the oven but they both call for different temperatures? I have no idea.

Aight.

Love love.

Heather

I love bees

The home study process has begun. The paperwork required is actually way better than I anticipated so that's a relief. We'll need to visit the police station to get finger printed soon, too. That part is a little intimidating but it's routine for adoptions and hopefully no big deal. I swear though my biggest fear of all is that all of the sudden they'll come up with something crazy, like a partial print match halfway across the world for some crime or murder or something. I'm sure it's happened before! It's just a little unnerving. I've never even been to a police station before so this shall be interesting.

Recently we were required to provide a bunch of letters of reference (from non-relatives) and I have to say that as the letters began trickling in each and every one brought happy tears to my eyes. I feel so incredibly blessed to read these amazingly kind words that people have written for us. It truly touches my heart and I'm so thankful.

I also feel like I've been super emotional lately. Not in a bad way, though. Well mostly. A few weeks ago we were cleaning out old office supplies and papers and I came across an old folder that has an orange kitten on the front that I used to have in elementary school. Even though it's old and hasn't been used in decades (seriously - wow that makes me feel old) I shed a tear letting it go. I'd blame it on pregnancy hormones if I could. Perhaps I'll call it "impending adoption and countdown to becoming a mommy" emotions. That works, right? Each day that passes my path to motherhood gets closer and closer. Just thinking about bringing baby Mackenzie home with us makes me start to cry tears of joy. For years I've wanted nothing more than to become a mommy and now it's finally almost here and I seriously couldn't be happier! I daydream about this baby that I've never met, never felt, and wonder what she'll be like. The only thing I know for sure is that she'll be loved and adored and probably spoiled rotten (in a good way, of course).

Right now I hate to admit it but it looks like a tornado has gone through our house. We're in the middle of painting and rearranging and reorganizing and it basically looks like a disaster zone. Okay, honestly it's not that bad but I just hate unfinished projects and messes. I'm hoping to finish up the condensing of the office and guest bedroom this week so that I can shift my focus to painting and decorating the baby room. That's the fun part anyway! Our registry at Babies R Us is finished and thanks to my amazing sister our shower invitations are designed, printed, and ready to be sent out soon. The shower theme we decided on is bees. I don't know exactly how it started, but for some reason Allen and I both call each other "Bee". Like busy bee, sleepy bee, sexy bee, whatever. Now we're having a baby bee so it only seemed fitting. And since it's not an old fashioned traditional baby shower I'm excited to visit with family and friends over a bottle of wine or champagne. Hells. Yes.

Looking ahead at my calendar the next 3 months are pretty busy. We'll be finishing up the home study process and annoying legal paperwork soon. I also need to find a pediatrician and sign up for a baby CPR class. We've got baby showers and classes and of course lots of shopping. Sometimes it's a tad awkward prepping for baby when it's obvious that I'm not pregnant but it doesn't bother me as much anymore. When I buy baby clothes people will usually try to strike up a conversation and ask if the cute little outfits are for me or if they're a gift. I just smile confidently and say "me". Haha either they figured it out or they're too scared to ask.

Busy bee out.

Love love.

Heather

117 Days and Counting

Before my Dad was diagnosed with "the C word" I wasn't sensitive to hearing it. Until something cuts deep inside your heart you just have absolutely no idea. I had heard things about cancer but I never actually understood it. I didn't know anyone that was sick so it just never touched my life that way. It wasn't that I was apathetic, I just couldn't understand it because it hadn't affected me personally. When everything came crashing down a few years ago I understood, though. When I heard "the C word" I immediately stiffened up. I cringed. I could feel my lower lip quiver. I became fragile and emotional and a complete wreck because I just got it. Those last few days and weeks were the most traumatic and difficult experience I've ever had to go through. Unless you've walked those same shoes you can sympathize, but really, you still have no idea.

To a somewhat lesser degree I feel the same way right now. I hear negative adoption lingo (and infertility, but that's another rant) and bite my tongue. I never would have thought about it before but here I am and this is a huge part of my life now. I've become sensitive to the subject and yet people all around me seem completely clueless. And really, it's not their fault. They aren't in the same boat as we are so they just don't think about it. Time after time I hear the words "your own" or "our own" when referring to biological children. Like for example, the salesman at Mathis Brothers telling us about how his wife is diabetic and was considered high risk for pregnancy. They had considered adoption but ultimately they "were able to have their own". What does this even mean? Because a child is adopted they aren't yours? Do you treat them differently? Do you not love them as much? When someone asks how many kids you have do you answer with "well we don't have any of our own but we adopted two"? No, of course not. Because that is ridiculous. 

The same goes for the other side of this equation. I absolutely love the birth mother and thanks to social media we get to see even more into each others lives. Sometimes I'll come across comments on her pages about the adoption asking if she is "giving away her baby" or something equally as cringe worthy. I soo want to respond and clarify that it's actually called "placing the baby with adoptive parents". It is not a negative, it's a positive. And it's the most selfless and loving thing a young mother could do for a baby. It's not giving up the baby never to be seen again. Our adoption will be open and little Mackenzie will know her birth mother. When I see these commenters giving her a hard time it breaks my heart. So, again, unless you're directly involved in our situation you just don't get it. I like to surround myself with positivity. So, I feel the need to say this again... thank you, thank you, thank you! I absolutely love all of the uplifting comments that we've received.

While I don't fully understand why God picked us to get involved in adoption I can confidently say that I'm in a very happy place now. I'm nesting and planning and shopping and prepping. I'm painting and decorating and loving every minute of it! I have a countdown on my phone that I check daily. I will be totally honest, though. Every so often I do get a little down because I don't get to carry my baby. I don't get my own ultrasound. I don't know what little baby kicks feel like. I don't get to see what a little Heather/Allen weebee looks like. I don't even get to park in the damn "Expectant Mothers Only" reserved parking spot at Babies R Us (although Allen argued that I am an expectant mother and have earned that parking place too, we opted to leave it open so that someone else can park there). The gift bag for starting our baby registry came with a bunch of neat things. Coupons, pacifiers, infant safety tips, and... nursing pads. Little things like that remind me that my path to mommy-hood is a little bit different. 

Whenever things get tough I like to remember this quote from my beloved Winnie the Pooh.

And you know what? When I kick back with my iPad in one hand and a cool glass of wine in the other while I surf the Target Baby website I have a great big smile on my face. Sure, life doesn't always turn out as planned. But what can you do? You can either mope around and be depressed (which I did my fair share of during our treatment for infertility) or you can embrace another path. We're on this road because we can handle it. We're strong and confident and excited for the future. And really, when I think about it this actually works out better. I get to skip all of the hard stuff. Breastfeeding never sounded appealing and going through labor just sounds like a nightmare. Even though our journey to parenthood didn't go as planned I've put my trust in God and His timing and we're thankful beyond words. Between the amazing birth mother and her family, our loving family and support, and everyone and everything else involved along the way I couldn't have asked for a better situation.

Tomorrow I'm getting together with the family to start the baby shower planning! Allen and I will finish up the registry at Babies R Us soon, too. We've also already picked an adoption attorney and have gotten started with all of that. The next step is the ever dreaded home study. I don't know what to expect but I'm hoping to make it through as painlessly as possible.

Thanks again!

Love love.

Heather

Bring on the pink!

If you're reading this right now I'd like to say a special thank you to you for following our journey. I'm overwhelmed by the love and support we've received since announcing our adoption plans. 99% of it has been positive and heart warming! I've also had to fend off the negative or completely clueless.

My first awkward encounter came about just a few days ago while my Mom and I were shopping at Storkland. I was looking for crib bedding to get ideas and the girl helping us asked if I was pregnant. I said no, we're adopting in November. Then she proceeded to go on and on about how I look too young to adopt because "most people that adopt are like 40 something after they find out that they can't have kids... Can you not have kids?" Um, what the hell lady? The conversation just kept going downhill from there and she clearly had no idea how rude she was being. At one point, she said something about she always thought it would be nice to adopt but that it was too expensive so "I guess I just have to have my own". Siiigh. Maybe it doesn't sound like much now but it still upset me. Other questions I get are people wondering what country we're adopting from and if it's finalized already. I'm sure they're just attempting to be friendly but it's become clear to me over the past few weeks and months that a lot of people have absolutely no idea how adoptions actually work.

Okay rant over! For now.

A few weeks ago Allen and I were able to join the birth mother for the gender ultrasound. It was the first time that I got to see the little jellybean on the screen and it was such a lovely and fun experience. I was  completely smitten by this wiggly creature. Throughout our time trying to conceive we discussed lots of ideas  that we really wanted to explore. Thanks to Pinterest one of them was a fun gender reveal. For those that aren't familiar (mostly the older generation... heh) a gender reveal is when the ultrasound tech doesn't tell you what the gender is at the appointment and they seal the results in an envelope for you to find out later in some creative way. Since my Dad passed away, balloons have always held a special memory for me. It's a long and pretty comical story but they will forever remind me of my Dad. I knew that we just had to incorporate balloons into this special time. I'll admit, the 4 days between the ultrasound and our balloon reveal was absolutely killing me, though. We ended up double wrapping the envelope just so that we wouldn't be tempted to try to see through it! So anyway, without going into all the boring specifics, my sister was the one who knew the results and she coordinated everything for us.

Us, being the tree huggers that we are, didn't want to litter so that's why the balloons tied down and didn't just float away.

Pink for girl! The last picture in the set is pretty much us just going crazy with excitement. Evvveryone wanted us to have a little girl so of course I was convinced that it was a boy. Obviously I would have been more than ecstatic with either one, but I did really (really REALLY) want a girl! Opening the box to have pink balloons fly out was one of the most fun experiences ever. We have a fairly janky video of the whole thing that we get a good laugh out of watching. It was raining off and on the entire day and we couldn't get the camera to stay set up so it's basically filled with chaos and bleeps. Thanks for all the help, sissy! You're the best.

The ironic part about our planning is that I bought baby name books at least a year ago (maybe longer, I don't remember) but because every month was a disappointment I couldn't bring myself to actually read them until the time came. So much time had passed that we actually ended up coming up with our top baby name picks on our own. Once we discovered the gender I got about halfway through one of the baby name books before putting them away again. Nothing came close to the name that we already fell in love with soo unless something else knocks our socks off I'm happy to announce that her name will be Mackenzie Marie. There is some really neat double meanings behind the name choice but out of privacy for the birth mother I won't go into detail. We just love it so and couldn't be happier!

Alright, I'm sure I'm forgetting a lot but that's all for now. 

Love love.

Heather

How I feel on a daily basis. Especially baby shopping.

Growing in our Heart

The evening before Mother’s Day I found out that once again I wasn't pregnant. At first I thought that I handled it well... or at least better than most months. I tried not to let the news depress me and went about my day. Unfortunately, that didn’t last long. Twenty minutes later I ended up crying in the kitchen pantry, upset because we didn’t have a bottle of wine or other alcoholic beverage to send a “fuck you” message to my empty uterus. (I tried somewhat hard to come up with another word to avoid using the f bomb since I know that certain people are reading this. Nothing else worked though so sorry Mom!). I suppose it was a “well I’m not pregnant so I may as well do this” thing. Two whole years of daily charting, temping, medicines, tests, and stress and I still had nothing to show for it. No baby bump. No wonderfully squishable jellybean. Nada. Just doctor's bills, lots and lots of tears, and an empty guest bedroom with an unassembled crib and changing table waiting impatiently to be used.

This quote really talks to my heart. Going into our IUI procedures we actually had an alternate plan that was already in discussion. I mentioned a possible incredible opportunity awhile ago so I need to backtrack a little bit now. About an hour before our very first IUI we learned that the teenage daughter of a dear family that we know is expecting. I guess they had talked extensively about things and wanted to know if we were interested in being adoptive parents. Knowing that this sweet family thought about us and trusted us with such an amazing blessing makes me feel incredible! After hearing this news my head was literally spinning and I cried the whole way to the doctor’s office that morning. It should be noted that they had no idea that our IUI was on the same day that this conversation took place. Something immediately clicked in me. If there was ever a sign, this had to be it. I remember telling Allen that I wasn't even sure what I was hoping for - actually getting pregnant or having the opportunity to adopt this precious baby. At that point we were already committed to two or three IUI cycles so we decided to trust that whatever is meant to be will happen.

Adoption has never been off the table. Since before we even started trying to have a baby Allen and I had talked openly about adoption and all of our thoughts and feelings on the topic. When this opportunity presented itself to us we wanted to be sure that yes, we put in a solid effort in trying to conceive but also (and more importantly) we knew when to stop and follow a different path. When the first IUI didn’t work I felt even more drawn to adoption. Going into the next one we weren't sure how many more tries were were willing to give it. We didn’t want adoption to ever feel like a last resort. It shouldn’t be like a “well I guess we tried everything else for 12 whole years so I guess we finally have adopt” type of thing. When Mother's Day weekend rolled around we learned that the second IUI didn't work. Of course I was upset. This time my sadness felt different, though. Almost like finding a light at the end of a dark tunnel. Instead of trying once more we decided that the pain and stress of disappointment was just too much. We had this other opportunity calling our name so why would we want to continue down the path of infertility treatments?

It's a situation that nobody involved ever expected to be in. In a million zillion years I never dreamed that we would have so much trouble conceiving. Obviously this sweet young girl never expected that her life would take such a turn, either. Thankfully God has shown us how these unexpected curve balls can become the greatest blessing imaginable. 

So... 

I’m thrilled to finally announce that our family will be growing! We are welcoming a wiggly bundle of joy to our family this November. This jellybean is coming straight from God’s hands into our welcoming arms and I absolutely cannot wait!  All of my life I’ve wondered what it’s really like to feel like God has spoken to you. Now I'm glad to say that I finally understand. Somehow, someway, this is what we’re supposed to do. I’ve never been more certain of His calling than I am now. Don't get me wrong, I'm still totally freaked out. But it's not because we're adopting. I'm nervous because we're going to parents in just five short months! I suppose the official term for what we're doing is independent open newborn adoption.

A special thanks to my wonderful sister for the announcement photos!

 

Like I already said, I feel incredibly blessed to know that this sweet girl and her family have so much trust and confidence in us as a couple to adopt this wee little one. I’m quite certain that this baby will be the most spoiled little thing ever! I know that the birth mother is reading this and I just wanted to say that I’m so glad that we've been able to bond over the past few weeks. I think that you’re incredibly strong and beautiful and I'm excited for the road ahead. I'll be there to hold your hand now and for years to come. 

Love love.

Heather