Growing in our Heart

The evening before Mother’s Day I found out that once again I wasn't pregnant. At first I thought that I handled it well... or at least better than most months. I tried not to let the news depress me and went about my day. Unfortunately, that didn’t last long. Twenty minutes later I ended up crying in the kitchen pantry, upset because we didn’t have a bottle of wine or other alcoholic beverage to send a “fuck you” message to my empty uterus. (I tried somewhat hard to come up with another word to avoid using the f bomb since I know that certain people are reading this. Nothing else worked though so sorry Mom!). I suppose it was a “well I’m not pregnant so I may as well do this” thing. Two whole years of daily charting, temping, medicines, tests, and stress and I still had nothing to show for it. No baby bump. No wonderfully squishable jellybean. Nada. Just doctor's bills, lots and lots of tears, and an empty guest bedroom with an unassembled crib and changing table waiting impatiently to be used.

This quote really talks to my heart. Going into our IUI procedures we actually had an alternate plan that was already in discussion. I mentioned a possible incredible opportunity awhile ago so I need to backtrack a little bit now. About an hour before our very first IUI we learned that the teenage daughter of a dear family that we know is expecting. I guess they had talked extensively about things and wanted to know if we were interested in being adoptive parents. Knowing that this sweet family thought about us and trusted us with such an amazing blessing makes me feel incredible! After hearing this news my head was literally spinning and I cried the whole way to the doctor’s office that morning. It should be noted that they had no idea that our IUI was on the same day that this conversation took place. Something immediately clicked in me. If there was ever a sign, this had to be it. I remember telling Allen that I wasn't even sure what I was hoping for - actually getting pregnant or having the opportunity to adopt this precious baby. At that point we were already committed to two or three IUI cycles so we decided to trust that whatever is meant to be will happen.

Adoption has never been off the table. Since before we even started trying to have a baby Allen and I had talked openly about adoption and all of our thoughts and feelings on the topic. When this opportunity presented itself to us we wanted to be sure that yes, we put in a solid effort in trying to conceive but also (and more importantly) we knew when to stop and follow a different path. When the first IUI didn’t work I felt even more drawn to adoption. Going into the next one we weren't sure how many more tries were were willing to give it. We didn’t want adoption to ever feel like a last resort. It shouldn’t be like a “well I guess we tried everything else for 12 whole years so I guess we finally have adopt” type of thing. When Mother's Day weekend rolled around we learned that the second IUI didn't work. Of course I was upset. This time my sadness felt different, though. Almost like finding a light at the end of a dark tunnel. Instead of trying once more we decided that the pain and stress of disappointment was just too much. We had this other opportunity calling our name so why would we want to continue down the path of infertility treatments?

It's a situation that nobody involved ever expected to be in. In a million zillion years I never dreamed that we would have so much trouble conceiving. Obviously this sweet young girl never expected that her life would take such a turn, either. Thankfully God has shown us how these unexpected curve balls can become the greatest blessing imaginable. 

So... 

I’m thrilled to finally announce that our family will be growing! We are welcoming a wiggly bundle of joy to our family this November. This jellybean is coming straight from God’s hands into our welcoming arms and I absolutely cannot wait!  All of my life I’ve wondered what it’s really like to feel like God has spoken to you. Now I'm glad to say that I finally understand. Somehow, someway, this is what we’re supposed to do. I’ve never been more certain of His calling than I am now. Don't get me wrong, I'm still totally freaked out. But it's not because we're adopting. I'm nervous because we're going to parents in just five short months! I suppose the official term for what we're doing is independent open newborn adoption.

A special thanks to my wonderful sister for the announcement photos!

 

Like I already said, I feel incredibly blessed to know that this sweet girl and her family have so much trust and confidence in us as a couple to adopt this wee little one. I’m quite certain that this baby will be the most spoiled little thing ever! I know that the birth mother is reading this and I just wanted to say that I’m so glad that we've been able to bond over the past few weeks. I think that you’re incredibly strong and beautiful and I'm excited for the road ahead. I'll be there to hold your hand now and for years to come. 

Love love.

Heather