117 Days and Counting

Before my Dad was diagnosed with "the C word" I wasn't sensitive to hearing it. Until something cuts deep inside your heart you just have absolutely no idea. I had heard things about cancer but I never actually understood it. I didn't know anyone that was sick so it just never touched my life that way. It wasn't that I was apathetic, I just couldn't understand it because it hadn't affected me personally. When everything came crashing down a few years ago I understood, though. When I heard "the C word" I immediately stiffened up. I cringed. I could feel my lower lip quiver. I became fragile and emotional and a complete wreck because I just got it. Those last few days and weeks were the most traumatic and difficult experience I've ever had to go through. Unless you've walked those same shoes you can sympathize, but really, you still have no idea.

To a somewhat lesser degree I feel the same way right now. I hear negative adoption lingo (and infertility, but that's another rant) and bite my tongue. I never would have thought about it before but here I am and this is a huge part of my life now. I've become sensitive to the subject and yet people all around me seem completely clueless. And really, it's not their fault. They aren't in the same boat as we are so they just don't think about it. Time after time I hear the words "your own" or "our own" when referring to biological children. Like for example, the salesman at Mathis Brothers telling us about how his wife is diabetic and was considered high risk for pregnancy. They had considered adoption but ultimately they "were able to have their own". What does this even mean? Because a child is adopted they aren't yours? Do you treat them differently? Do you not love them as much? When someone asks how many kids you have do you answer with "well we don't have any of our own but we adopted two"? No, of course not. Because that is ridiculous. 

The same goes for the other side of this equation. I absolutely love the birth mother and thanks to social media we get to see even more into each others lives. Sometimes I'll come across comments on her pages about the adoption asking if she is "giving away her baby" or something equally as cringe worthy. I soo want to respond and clarify that it's actually called "placing the baby with adoptive parents". It is not a negative, it's a positive. And it's the most selfless and loving thing a young mother could do for a baby. It's not giving up the baby never to be seen again. Our adoption will be open and little Mackenzie will know her birth mother. When I see these commenters giving her a hard time it breaks my heart. So, again, unless you're directly involved in our situation you just don't get it. I like to surround myself with positivity. So, I feel the need to say this again... thank you, thank you, thank you! I absolutely love all of the uplifting comments that we've received.

While I don't fully understand why God picked us to get involved in adoption I can confidently say that I'm in a very happy place now. I'm nesting and planning and shopping and prepping. I'm painting and decorating and loving every minute of it! I have a countdown on my phone that I check daily. I will be totally honest, though. Every so often I do get a little down because I don't get to carry my baby. I don't get my own ultrasound. I don't know what little baby kicks feel like. I don't get to see what a little Heather/Allen weebee looks like. I don't even get to park in the damn "Expectant Mothers Only" reserved parking spot at Babies R Us (although Allen argued that I am an expectant mother and have earned that parking place too, we opted to leave it open so that someone else can park there). The gift bag for starting our baby registry came with a bunch of neat things. Coupons, pacifiers, infant safety tips, and... nursing pads. Little things like that remind me that my path to mommy-hood is a little bit different. 

Whenever things get tough I like to remember this quote from my beloved Winnie the Pooh.

And you know what? When I kick back with my iPad in one hand and a cool glass of wine in the other while I surf the Target Baby website I have a great big smile on my face. Sure, life doesn't always turn out as planned. But what can you do? You can either mope around and be depressed (which I did my fair share of during our treatment for infertility) or you can embrace another path. We're on this road because we can handle it. We're strong and confident and excited for the future. And really, when I think about it this actually works out better. I get to skip all of the hard stuff. Breastfeeding never sounded appealing and going through labor just sounds like a nightmare. Even though our journey to parenthood didn't go as planned I've put my trust in God and His timing and we're thankful beyond words. Between the amazing birth mother and her family, our loving family and support, and everyone and everything else involved along the way I couldn't have asked for a better situation.

Tomorrow I'm getting together with the family to start the baby shower planning! Allen and I will finish up the registry at Babies R Us soon, too. We've also already picked an adoption attorney and have gotten started with all of that. The next step is the ever dreaded home study. I don't know what to expect but I'm hoping to make it through as painlessly as possible.

Thanks again!

Love love.

Heather

Bring on the pink!

If you're reading this right now I'd like to say a special thank you to you for following our journey. I'm overwhelmed by the love and support we've received since announcing our adoption plans. 99% of it has been positive and heart warming! I've also had to fend off the negative or completely clueless.

My first awkward encounter came about just a few days ago while my Mom and I were shopping at Storkland. I was looking for crib bedding to get ideas and the girl helping us asked if I was pregnant. I said no, we're adopting in November. Then she proceeded to go on and on about how I look too young to adopt because "most people that adopt are like 40 something after they find out that they can't have kids... Can you not have kids?" Um, what the hell lady? The conversation just kept going downhill from there and she clearly had no idea how rude she was being. At one point, she said something about she always thought it would be nice to adopt but that it was too expensive so "I guess I just have to have my own". Siiigh. Maybe it doesn't sound like much now but it still upset me. Other questions I get are people wondering what country we're adopting from and if it's finalized already. I'm sure they're just attempting to be friendly but it's become clear to me over the past few weeks and months that a lot of people have absolutely no idea how adoptions actually work.

Okay rant over! For now.

A few weeks ago Allen and I were able to join the birth mother for the gender ultrasound. It was the first time that I got to see the little jellybean on the screen and it was such a lovely and fun experience. I was  completely smitten by this wiggly creature. Throughout our time trying to conceive we discussed lots of ideas  that we really wanted to explore. Thanks to Pinterest one of them was a fun gender reveal. For those that aren't familiar (mostly the older generation... heh) a gender reveal is when the ultrasound tech doesn't tell you what the gender is at the appointment and they seal the results in an envelope for you to find out later in some creative way. Since my Dad passed away, balloons have always held a special memory for me. It's a long and pretty comical story but they will forever remind me of my Dad. I knew that we just had to incorporate balloons into this special time. I'll admit, the 4 days between the ultrasound and our balloon reveal was absolutely killing me, though. We ended up double wrapping the envelope just so that we wouldn't be tempted to try to see through it! So anyway, without going into all the boring specifics, my sister was the one who knew the results and she coordinated everything for us.

Us, being the tree huggers that we are, didn't want to litter so that's why the balloons tied down and didn't just float away.

Pink for girl! The last picture in the set is pretty much us just going crazy with excitement. Evvveryone wanted us to have a little girl so of course I was convinced that it was a boy. Obviously I would have been more than ecstatic with either one, but I did really (really REALLY) want a girl! Opening the box to have pink balloons fly out was one of the most fun experiences ever. We have a fairly janky video of the whole thing that we get a good laugh out of watching. It was raining off and on the entire day and we couldn't get the camera to stay set up so it's basically filled with chaos and bleeps. Thanks for all the help, sissy! You're the best.

The ironic part about our planning is that I bought baby name books at least a year ago (maybe longer, I don't remember) but because every month was a disappointment I couldn't bring myself to actually read them until the time came. So much time had passed that we actually ended up coming up with our top baby name picks on our own. Once we discovered the gender I got about halfway through one of the baby name books before putting them away again. Nothing came close to the name that we already fell in love with soo unless something else knocks our socks off I'm happy to announce that her name will be Mackenzie Marie. There is some really neat double meanings behind the name choice but out of privacy for the birth mother I won't go into detail. We just love it so and couldn't be happier!

Alright, I'm sure I'm forgetting a lot but that's all for now. 

Love love.

Heather

How I feel on a daily basis. Especially baby shopping.

Growing in our Heart

The evening before Mother’s Day I found out that once again I wasn't pregnant. At first I thought that I handled it well... or at least better than most months. I tried not to let the news depress me and went about my day. Unfortunately, that didn’t last long. Twenty minutes later I ended up crying in the kitchen pantry, upset because we didn’t have a bottle of wine or other alcoholic beverage to send a “fuck you” message to my empty uterus. (I tried somewhat hard to come up with another word to avoid using the f bomb since I know that certain people are reading this. Nothing else worked though so sorry Mom!). I suppose it was a “well I’m not pregnant so I may as well do this” thing. Two whole years of daily charting, temping, medicines, tests, and stress and I still had nothing to show for it. No baby bump. No wonderfully squishable jellybean. Nada. Just doctor's bills, lots and lots of tears, and an empty guest bedroom with an unassembled crib and changing table waiting impatiently to be used.

This quote really talks to my heart. Going into our IUI procedures we actually had an alternate plan that was already in discussion. I mentioned a possible incredible opportunity awhile ago so I need to backtrack a little bit now. About an hour before our very first IUI we learned that the teenage daughter of a dear family that we know is expecting. I guess they had talked extensively about things and wanted to know if we were interested in being adoptive parents. Knowing that this sweet family thought about us and trusted us with such an amazing blessing makes me feel incredible! After hearing this news my head was literally spinning and I cried the whole way to the doctor’s office that morning. It should be noted that they had no idea that our IUI was on the same day that this conversation took place. Something immediately clicked in me. If there was ever a sign, this had to be it. I remember telling Allen that I wasn't even sure what I was hoping for - actually getting pregnant or having the opportunity to adopt this precious baby. At that point we were already committed to two or three IUI cycles so we decided to trust that whatever is meant to be will happen.

Adoption has never been off the table. Since before we even started trying to have a baby Allen and I had talked openly about adoption and all of our thoughts and feelings on the topic. When this opportunity presented itself to us we wanted to be sure that yes, we put in a solid effort in trying to conceive but also (and more importantly) we knew when to stop and follow a different path. When the first IUI didn’t work I felt even more drawn to adoption. Going into the next one we weren't sure how many more tries were were willing to give it. We didn’t want adoption to ever feel like a last resort. It shouldn’t be like a “well I guess we tried everything else for 12 whole years so I guess we finally have adopt” type of thing. When Mother's Day weekend rolled around we learned that the second IUI didn't work. Of course I was upset. This time my sadness felt different, though. Almost like finding a light at the end of a dark tunnel. Instead of trying once more we decided that the pain and stress of disappointment was just too much. We had this other opportunity calling our name so why would we want to continue down the path of infertility treatments?

It's a situation that nobody involved ever expected to be in. In a million zillion years I never dreamed that we would have so much trouble conceiving. Obviously this sweet young girl never expected that her life would take such a turn, either. Thankfully God has shown us how these unexpected curve balls can become the greatest blessing imaginable. 

So... 

I’m thrilled to finally announce that our family will be growing! We are welcoming a wiggly bundle of joy to our family this November. This jellybean is coming straight from God’s hands into our welcoming arms and I absolutely cannot wait!  All of my life I’ve wondered what it’s really like to feel like God has spoken to you. Now I'm glad to say that I finally understand. Somehow, someway, this is what we’re supposed to do. I’ve never been more certain of His calling than I am now. Don't get me wrong, I'm still totally freaked out. But it's not because we're adopting. I'm nervous because we're going to parents in just five short months! I suppose the official term for what we're doing is independent open newborn adoption.

A special thanks to my wonderful sister for the announcement photos!

 

Like I already said, I feel incredibly blessed to know that this sweet girl and her family have so much trust and confidence in us as a couple to adopt this wee little one. I’m quite certain that this baby will be the most spoiled little thing ever! I know that the birth mother is reading this and I just wanted to say that I’m so glad that we've been able to bond over the past few weeks. I think that you’re incredibly strong and beautiful and I'm excited for the road ahead. I'll be there to hold your hand now and for years to come. 

Love love.

Heather  

Only my 23rd TWW

Hello hello.

IUI #2 fell on a Sunday this cycle. Unfortunately this ended up complicating things just a tad.

On weekends you have to bring the swimmers in and drop the men off at the lab instead of just doing everything there. I didn't know this and our doctor's office didn't provide us any sterile collection cups the last time we were there so when I got a positive ovulation test on Sunday evening I got to run all over town explaining my problem and asking pharmacists and random clinics for one. That's always a fun conversation to have with complete strangers. 

Also, that particular Sunday was the OKC memorial marathon. The route? Directly in front of, over, and around our hospital. The office told us that one of the main streets leading in would be open, though. But was it? No. Neither was any street within a 5 mile radius. We drove more than 20 minutes out of the way to make a gigantic circle around the entire marathon route in order to finally drag in late. I don't know exactly how long the men last in a plastic cup but because of the detour we were already outside of the 1 hour preferred time frame. With the help of Siri and good ol google maps we finally made it to the lab around 7:30. Looking back it was actually a little comical to imagine us driving around frantically with a cup of business trying to get it to the lab. I'd like to thank the police officer in charge of blocking the intersection on 4th Street for being 100% unhelpful in helping us find an alternative route to get to the hospital directly across the street.

After the wash we had 58 million good swimmers so that was fantastic. Even higher than last time! When we came back for the insemination our dumb asses forgot to to sign in again, though. Obviously when you walk in the door to a super crowded waiting room the first thing you do is is scope out a comfy chair. (Our preferred seat is the leather sofa because we've already confirmed that it's nap worthy.) For some reason I wasn't even thinking about signing in a 2nd time. This meant that instead of waiting 10 minutes we waited for about an hour. Near the end of that hour wait the hubbles decided it was time to find a bathroom. Naturally, right after he left the office I finally got called back. Apparently he stopped to build a castle or something because he ended up missing the entire thing and finally made it back after they were already done. No worries though, it's not like I haven't done it before. Currently we're near the end of another two week wait and it seriously can't go by fast enough.

I know we've only done 2 artificial inseminations so far but we've been trying for 2 full years and have been on fertility medications and charting for the past 9 months and I'm just beyond tired of it. It seems like now more than ever I get random people asking when we plan on having kids. The other day the Heat/AC guy was at the house for a tune up appointment and he saw a picture of Allen and I hanging on the wall. He asked if we had kids yet. I said no not yet (and that our kitties are our babies right now) and he then went on about how when we do they'll be "absolutely beautiful babies". Of course I love hearing compliments but baby conversations just make me sad.

We both had a physical for our life insurance application recently and as expected they ask what medicine you're on and what for. It's not exactly a baby conversation but I feel like I have to explain our infertility issues to everyone that I come across. It's not exactly a conversation that I enjoy having. At least not face to face. I always feel like I'm going to burst into tears mid-explanation. Before that, I went to the eye-doctor for my chronic dry eyes (thanks to 10+ years of daily contacts before Lasik) and again, the same conversation. "I take Clomid. It's a fertility drug."

Welp, I don't really know what the point of this post is other than to just let off some steam. Within the next few weeks we'll have more of a definite game plan as far as our plans going forward. I know doctors usually recommend 4 or 5 attempts at IUI before moving on but I'm not so keen on that idea. Gosh, I couldn't even imagine the stress of IVF. I'm already exhausted. This. Is. Exhausting:

 My daily to-do list & bathroom science lab. 

The meme with the guy throwing all of his papers up in the air and yelling "fuck this shit" comes to mind every time I look at my checklist.

Anyway, that's all for now. Hopefully the next post will be more exciting.

Love love.

Heather 

1 Down

I didn’t get my living room chair. But no, this isn't good news. After a weekend of browsing at different furniture stores we ended up coming home with the world’s ugliest chair – a humongous papasan from Pier1. I guess I must have felt bad because I picked out every other piece of furniture in our house and the poor hubbles had his heart (and butt) set on a papasan for months now. So, I finally gave in. This lovely piece of décor now sits in our living room and, as expected, is mostly used by the cat. The good news is that we have a term agreement that the chair has a lifespan in our house of up to but no more than 1 year. After that it’s gone and I’m free to get my fabulous (and well deserved) tufted accent chair.

*Chair is larger than it appears.

So, obviously this means that IUI #1 didn’t work. It’s hard to understand why when everything about that cycle went perfectly. We were both so confident and hopeful only to find out that it was just like every other month - a big disappointment. I can’t even begin to explain how frustrated I am. I had a good couple of days to wallow and cry my heart out before prepping for IUI round #2. My energy definitely isn’t the same this time, though. Medicine wise I’ve been taking only the bare minimum. The hot flashes drive me fucking crazy. And I don't mean like the one time that you wake up in the middle of the night because it's a little hot and you're somewhat uncomfortable. I mean standing naked inside the refrigerator door because you can't cool down. And let me tell you, if you can conquer sex whilst hot flashing then you can accomplish just about anything. Anyway I’m also supposed to temperature chart every morning but I’m just so completely sick of it that I haven’t been as consistent as I need to be. We’ll see how this next round goes but I’m trying extra hard not to let my hopes get too high and to just be patient and wait. That, of course, is much easier said than actually done. I'm a really impatient person so this is a foreign concept.

I really wish that I could have a giant bubble above my head that flashes *struggling with infertility, be sensitive!* anytime someone starts up a conversation. You know, kind of like The Sims. We were at lunch meeting with some new people last weekend and after the usual small talk (where do you work, where do you live, how long have you been married) they asked us when we’re going to have kids. Apparently everything thinks that you can choose that. So at that point I just shut up and let Allen do the talking because I didn’t want to deal with baby questions. I think he said something to the extent of “uh I dunno we’ll see." Then they talked about how that’s nice and it’s good to wait and make sure you’re ready and the ever so annoying “enjoy this time while you can” speech. Um hello? We’ve been ready for 2 years. We’ve been thinking about and planning for a baby for 2 years. We’ve been going through fertility treatments for well over 6 months now. Obviously I know that they didn’t do anything wrong and were just trying to be nice by asking questions but it still upset me. Maybe that’s not fair of me to say but I don’t care. HERE is a link to a great article that I think is a must read for everyone. Word for word it's absolutely perfect. I couldn't have said it any better if I tried. Infertility is something that I never gave much thought to in the past and never in a million years did I expect it would be a subject that we would have to deal with but alas, here we are. 

I don't want to elaborate too much on the opportunity I mentioned a few weeks ago because there is still so much up in the air. It seems like we've got a lot of things happening all at once and I don't even know where to focus my thoughts. All I know is that one way or another I'm going to be a mommy. And I can't wait for that day.

Love love. 

And a special recognition to my loving husband, amazing family, and super supportive co-workers.

Heather