1 Down

I didn’t get my living room chair. But no, this isn't good news. After a weekend of browsing at different furniture stores we ended up coming home with the world’s ugliest chair – a humongous papasan from Pier1. I guess I must have felt bad because I picked out every other piece of furniture in our house and the poor hubbles had his heart (and butt) set on a papasan for months now. So, I finally gave in. This lovely piece of décor now sits in our living room and, as expected, is mostly used by the cat. The good news is that we have a term agreement that the chair has a lifespan in our house of up to but no more than 1 year. After that it’s gone and I’m free to get my fabulous (and well deserved) tufted accent chair.

*Chair is larger than it appears.

So, obviously this means that IUI #1 didn’t work. It’s hard to understand why when everything about that cycle went perfectly. We were both so confident and hopeful only to find out that it was just like every other month - a big disappointment. I can’t even begin to explain how frustrated I am. I had a good couple of days to wallow and cry my heart out before prepping for IUI round #2. My energy definitely isn’t the same this time, though. Medicine wise I’ve been taking only the bare minimum. The hot flashes drive me fucking crazy. And I don't mean like the one time that you wake up in the middle of the night because it's a little hot and you're somewhat uncomfortable. I mean standing naked inside the refrigerator door because you can't cool down. And let me tell you, if you can conquer sex whilst hot flashing then you can accomplish just about anything. Anyway I’m also supposed to temperature chart every morning but I’m just so completely sick of it that I haven’t been as consistent as I need to be. We’ll see how this next round goes but I’m trying extra hard not to let my hopes get too high and to just be patient and wait. That, of course, is much easier said than actually done. I'm a really impatient person so this is a foreign concept.

I really wish that I could have a giant bubble above my head that flashes *struggling with infertility, be sensitive!* anytime someone starts up a conversation. You know, kind of like The Sims. We were at lunch meeting with some new people last weekend and after the usual small talk (where do you work, where do you live, how long have you been married) they asked us when we’re going to have kids. Apparently everything thinks that you can choose that. So at that point I just shut up and let Allen do the talking because I didn’t want to deal with baby questions. I think he said something to the extent of “uh I dunno we’ll see." Then they talked about how that’s nice and it’s good to wait and make sure you’re ready and the ever so annoying “enjoy this time while you can” speech. Um hello? We’ve been ready for 2 years. We’ve been thinking about and planning for a baby for 2 years. We’ve been going through fertility treatments for well over 6 months now. Obviously I know that they didn’t do anything wrong and were just trying to be nice by asking questions but it still upset me. Maybe that’s not fair of me to say but I don’t care. HERE is a link to a great article that I think is a must read for everyone. Word for word it's absolutely perfect. I couldn't have said it any better if I tried. Infertility is something that I never gave much thought to in the past and never in a million years did I expect it would be a subject that we would have to deal with but alas, here we are. 

I don't want to elaborate too much on the opportunity I mentioned a few weeks ago because there is still so much up in the air. It seems like we've got a lot of things happening all at once and I don't even know where to focus my thoughts. All I know is that one way or another I'm going to be a mommy. And I can't wait for that day.

Love love. 

And a special recognition to my loving husband, amazing family, and super supportive co-workers.

Heather

The TWW

God's delays are not God's denials. A few weeks ago we focused on this phrase at church and since then it's been something that I tell myself every single day. 

The two-week wait sucks. It is stressful and miserable and frustrating and it can never go by fast enough. I've been trying to focus my energy on home improvement projects, kind of sort of attempting to cook, getting back into Pilates (which I absolutely love!) and tuning into my faith and spiritual journey. And not just during the never ending wait - These are all things that make me happy (except for the cooking) and fulfilled and help with stress relief.

My IUI was March 28th. Originally I was going to go by myself because we've had so many doctors visits and tests and follow ups that we have to do together that I didn't want to have Allen miss work for this too. However, I definitely ended up having a mini breakdown the evening before and I think he felt bad and wanted to join me. Obviously I loved having him there with me to help calm my nerves. Thanks babe! After the wash we had a count of 11 million good healthy swimmers. The nurse said that this was "great!!!" on the 'okay to great sperm scale'. This, of course, is a fact that the hubs seems very proud of and doesn't let me forget. During the past few years he has always insisted that I must be the problem because he has "super sperm". Apparently the fact that I've been cleared and given a good to go and that fact that we obviously haven't conceived yet doesn't seem to affect his ego. I don't get it, but whatever.

The IUI procedure itself was pretty quick and easy. We got to watch everything on the ultrasound monitor so that was pretty neat. We saw a bunch of tiny white dots floating around and it turns out that those were the washed spermies. Hopefully they figured out what they were supposed to do and headed in the right direction. Before leaving I was caught off guard when the doctor said "call us in 16 days once you get a positive pregnancy test". What? Woohoo! I absolutely loved hearing those words. Except then she followed that up with "...or once you confirm that you're not pregnant". Okay, I'm back down to Earth. Anyway so afterwards I went home to rest and relax and basically hold the couch down for the rest of the day. It was a hard job but someone's got to do it.

The morning of the IUI, literally about an hour prior to the procedure, the hubs and I got some interesting news and possibly an incredible opportunity. I can't help but think that the timing of the news must be some kind of sign. It's still early and we are committed to up to a few IUI rounds but the ball is finally rolling in the right direction. And it's rolling fast. I don't know how things are going to pan out but I'm trying to keep focused on the excitement instead of the stress. Although both are pretty overwhelming. 

Gracias.

Heather

Clomid 50 MG CD 3-7

Oh how the times have changed. Instead of taking shots of vodka (which I may have been fairly experienced with in my younger adult years)  I now take shots of herbal supplements to boost fertility mixed with orange juice because it tastes and smells unbelievable. Sunday evening ended with a concoction of prenatal vitamins, herbs and oj, and day 2 of Clomid.

If you're not familiar, Clomid is really a magnificent little pill. Headaches, hot flashes, nausea and mood swings (sorry husband). I'm basically a 27 year old menopausal woman. Or at least feel like one. Thankfully I only have to take this little gem for 5 days a month but this is now my 6th Clomid cycle. 

My morning started with another herbal shot, BBT temperature charting, and pretty soon daily ovulation predictor kits. Yes! More peeing on sticks. And just to make things a little more fun the doctor wants me to also test after lunchtime. This means that my bathroom science lab gets to travel to work with me. I anticipate that the only thing more exciting than this would be testing in a port-a-potty. I'm not totally sure how this is going to work but really it doesn't matter. If we have to jump through crazy hoops in order to be blessed with a baby then I'm ready and willing to do that. Although I will say that most of the hoops required are on my side. The husbands seem to have it made. Lucky butts.

Anyway, all of this is in preparation for our first IUI at the end of the month. IUI, or intrauterine insemination, is a procedure done that places 'washed' spermies directly into the uterus. It helps by bypassing any obstacles that could have been causing fertility problems and increasing the chance of conceiving. I'm super excited to move forward but still extremely nervous because I've heard it can take a few cycles for IUI to work. I just know that if we find out that it didn't work I'll be absolutely crushed.

I could use a chair for our living room, though. Each time that I find out I'm not pregnant I gift myself a little something lovely. You know, a reward for not going totally crazy and maintaining at least some level of sanity during this journey. (I'll admit that some months I've failed miserably.) Last month I added some wall-decor to our guest bedroom. A few months back I splurged on a pair of 'I'm not pregnant yet so I can still wear these jeans' jeans. This month, I've got my eye on a chair. I'm not sure if you're supposed to create your own silver lining, but I'll take mine in the form of a tufted jacquard accent chair.

I'm really praying for a baby, though.

Fingers crossed, emotions high, and hot flashes wild.

Heather

2 Years in 1 Post

TTC. TWW. POAS. BFN. BBT. CD. What the hell do those mean? Well, 2 years ago I had absolutely no idea. I grew up thinking that everything happened just as it should. You go to college. You get married. You buy a house. You get a cat (or two, like us). And you have a baby. You followed the process and it just - happened.

My checklist was moving along just fine. After being married for 3 fantastic years we decided that we would like to expand our little family. Like everything we do, we prepped. I found an amazing deal on the world’s most beautiful crib at StorkLand. Shortly after we picked up a matching changing table. Next? No more birth control pill. It was all very calculated and precise. I figured it may take a few months for my body to cleanse, so if I stopped the pill in June (2011) perhaps we would be pregnant by September, giving us a summer baby.  Perfect timing! (Allen and I always joked about our December birthdays and how we would do everything we could not to do that to our kids. “This present is for your birthday and Christmas” Ugh) 

Well, month after month (after month after month after month) went by and it never happened. I don’t know how many boxes of pregnancy tests I purchased, but it was enough for Target to start printing out coupons for another box with my receipt. After awhile I learned about ovulation predictor kits. I purchased enough of those bad boys to also make the coupon cut. Now I don’t mean to toot my own horn, but I’ve become quite the professional at peeing on test sticks. The bathroom has become my own personal science lab. Since we still weren’t getting anywhere I began to try temperature charting. This was pretty obnoxious to do every single morning – you must have several hours of uninterrupted sleep, must not have had anything to drink, must take temperature at the same time each day, blah blah blah. It actually did help though, because it confirms that ovulation took place when you charted it should. Still no results, though.

A year later I finally made the dreaded doctor’s appointment with my gynecologist. I was prescribed the traditional "get you pregnant" drugs Clomid and Metformin for about 6 months. These were probably the most miserable months of this entire process. Every single day I could guarantee at least 1 of 3 things: a non-stop headache, uncomfortable hot flashes, and severe nausea. Again, no progress. My stress level began to go crazy, too. Maybe that’s what peeing on a stick every single day, attempting to remember to wake up and take your basal body temperature, remembering to take a concoction of pills that make you feel like shit with each meal, charting every single time “romantic business” occurs, and of course logging in online to see all the new Facebook pregnancy announcements from people who you’re pretty sure should never be allowed to have kids will do to you. If you sensed a little bit of bitterness, you’re correct.

Anyway, we recently had our first visit with a reproductive specialist that came highly recommended at OU Medical Center. Thankfully he dropped the Metformin, but I’ll be back on some kind of dosage of Clomid to combo with our first IUI this month. That’s right, IUI here we come! The doctor confirmed that there isn't anything medically wrong that would cause fertility difficulties. We've both had all the tests, although I definitely got the short end of the stick. There was literately an audience of on-lookers (they claim they were medical students) watching and peering at my business. After the 12 hundredth fertility exam I suppose I've gotten so used to it so having an audience didn't even bother me. While that is good news (the results, not the personal peepers) the doctor still diagnosed us with "unexplained infertility". He also explained that normal couples have about a 20% chance of conceiving each month, whereas couples with unexplained infertility only have about 3%. Moving forward, we're going to increase our odds to at least 30% by trying IUI. For the first time in awhile I'm actually excited and hopeful about this journey. I absolutely can't wait to be a Mommy and I know it'll happen one way or another. Right now I'm working on having patience and keeping faith, but it's a daily struggle.

I’m certainly crossing my fingers and saying my prayers in hopes that IUI will be a success. If you wouldn't mind, feel free to send some warm thoughts my way. I'd appreciate it, for sure.

Alright. Thanks for the read. Writing has always been a good outlet for me (Xanga, anyone?) so hopefully blogging about this unexpected journey will helpful. Infertility seems like such a taboo topic, nobody every talks about it. People who struggle with it tend to keep it to themselves. It's been described as "the silent disorder". Well, for now I have a voice and I feel like using it.


Heather

And just in case you were wondering... TTC = trying to conceive. TWW = two week wait. POAS = pee on a stick. BFN = big fat negative. BBT = basal body temperature. CD = cycle day. I keep track of the date nowadays by cycle days. What's the date? Today is Tuesday, CD24.