Okay wow, it's been a long time! To all 3 of my readers I apologize for falling off the face of the earth. Life is pretty hectic now and since I don't have much "me time" my train of thought gets interrupted constantly. This is being written in between naps and diaper changes and playtime and cranky time but I figured any update is better than no update at all... so here goes.
Addison Rose was born on May 1st at 1:30 PM. She weighed 5lbs 9oz and arrived via scheduled c-section, which means that I have two children, have been pregnant once, and have never gone through labor. I like to giggle at that thought. I don't even know what a contraction feels like and for that I am immensely thankful.I spent almost my entire pregnancy feeling stressed out and overwhelmed and wondering how I was going to keep from going crazy once I had two little babies. Being pregnant was hard, but it was nothing compared to how I felt mentally and emotionally.
At 37 weeks my doctor sent me to a specialized clinic for an advanced ultrasound. I don't remember all of the technical details but they said that the placenta wasn't doing its job anymore (low fluids or something) and that Addison wasn't growing (IUGR - intrauterine growth restriction) so they said at that point that it's better to get her out than keep her in. Since she was still breech they went ahead and scheduled a c-section, which really worked out well because childbirth scared the hell out of me.
Suddenly everything was happening very quickly. When we decided to continue with adopting Mackenzie we kind of just said yes and wanted to focus on baby #1 and figured we would sort things for baby #2 out later. Except, later was here. After learning the ultrasound results my doctor wanted to deliver the very next day so I only had that evening prepare. I thought we had another couple of weeks and I wasn't anywhere near ready. Her crib bedding wasn't together, things still needed to be washed, I hadn't decorated or done any of the fun stuff yet. So naturally, I spent that evening flustered and breaking down and frantically trying to finish up her room and pack our hospital bags and write instructions for family and friends who were helping out all while my overtired 6 month old who refused to nap sat on the floor next to me screaming and crying which of course only made me cry more.
The next day I was freaking out even more as we headed to the hospital and were admitted. Literally 2 seconds after arriving to our room the nurse wanted me to change into the gown and I just remember feeling rushed and wanting to slow everything down. I wasn't ready. I was scared and unsure and doubting my parenting ability. I wish I could go back and tell myself to just relax. Breathe. That everything will be fine. That I'll figure it out along the way. Because the moment I saw Addison I completely melted. I was suddenly so in love with this perfect innocent little baby that I felt incredibly guilty for not letting myself enjoy the ride. I could not get enough of her. She was tiny and adorable and smelled so wonderful and she just thought that I was her entire world. I was in love and it was magical!
And then we went home. And it was HARD. There is a reason we can't naturally have babies that close in age. All my worries returned and looking back, I'm pretty sure I had some postpartum depression. I remember holding Mackenzie's bottle with my feet while I was nursing Addison until she learned how to hold it herself. I remember carrying both girls in my arms and struggling to simply put them down when neither was stable enough to even sit up on their own yet. I'd pull some maneuver and either (gently ish) flop Addison down on the bed or somehow slide Mackenzie down my legs until she got to the ground. I'd be up sometimes 6 times night with Addison during those first 2 months and learned how to function on no sleep. Those first few weeks were a total blur. Thankfully I had the best help though. Allen was off for 2 weeks, then after that my mom took off for 2 weeks to come over everyday. Then for a solid couple of months after that I had a rotation between my mom and an unusual source that I had gotten to know better and have really grown to love- Mackenzie's birth family. Whether it was helping with the girls, letting me nap, bringing lunch or dinner, loading the dishwasher, or just hanging out so that I didn't feel so isolated I don't think I could have made it without such amazing support and I am so thankful. Over the next few months and as the girls got older it began to get easier. Now days I have a schedule and a system that works and even though some days are still crazy hard I do actually know what I'm doing now. Both girls are mobile and walking/crawling all over the house now. They love to play together and are just fascinated with each other. Mackenzie is 14 months old and Addison is 8 months old and both their personalities are really showing through. They are adorable and hilarious and definitely keep us busy! Mackenzie is starting to talk and says "dada" (she's a total daddy's girl), "Pooh" (she loves her Pooh bear and sleeps with him every night), and "cat" (she's obsessed with cats). Addison is smiley and giggly and is pulling up on everything. She just started standing on her own a few days ago, too. Watching them play together just warms my heart so much and I still believe that all of this was God's plan. The beginning was difficult and I know we'll have more moments to come but I fully believe that Mackenzie was meant to be our daughter. We were meant to get pregnant with Addison after we stopped trying. Our little family feels pretty complete now. Building it was tough, but I couldn't imagine it any other way.
Here are some of my favorite pictures from our maternity shoot and Addison's newborn/sisterlyness my sister did:
More snippits from my Instagram:
Alrighty, it's 9PM and that means bedtime for this mama. I know that I missed about a gazillion things that I'm sure I wanted to include but it's hard to summarize the past 10 months!
Love love.
Heather
